im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
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I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
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Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If I die, sorry about rent.
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