No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
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The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
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I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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