and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
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i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
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I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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