haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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