peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize