I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize