im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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