We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
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I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
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Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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