dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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