Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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