Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
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It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
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Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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