I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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