Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
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Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
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My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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