u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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