If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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