Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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