I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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