Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
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At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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