he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
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nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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