i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize