I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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