hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
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He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
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I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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