My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
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do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
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I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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