we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
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I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
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Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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