My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Two words: nipple clamps
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