All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
We left an ass print on the piano.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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