i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
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