A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
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I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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