your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
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He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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