Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize