i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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