Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
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You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
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I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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