Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Every concussion has its silver lining
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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