I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
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idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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