Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
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I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
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How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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