i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
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Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
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There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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