Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize