everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
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I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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