God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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