I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize