I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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