i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
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Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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