Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
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Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
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He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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