I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
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I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
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Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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