I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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