maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
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I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
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I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
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