now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
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No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
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I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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