On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
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I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
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Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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