I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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