my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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